I Cannot Imagine Not

Do you ever look back on something (a special event, a school graduation, a career choice, a vacation, a place lived, a friendship, a relationship) & think, "I never imagined I would have done that," yet coincidingly said, "but I cannot imagine life without that?" ...yeah, me too.

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Arguably, the hardest & greatest part in my life is starting over.

Starting over with friendships, in particular, is my hardest. For me, it is exhausting; the "just give it a try" aspect is way too superficial of a saying in this instance. It can feel that it is expected to have that "spouse network of boundless relationships" built as soon as your car/plane lands on your new soil. Not everyone can be a Type A, friendship high-flyer on day 1, or even 30. I tend to uncover my 1-3 quality driven friendships & cruise through life with them until the expiration date on our time arrives. Yes, I do shed a small rain puddle of tears to Clay every time we move to a new location, because it is the feeling of bareness that is far too well known, & it pricks those emotions in an impeccable spot, every time. But, when I accept the All Friends Left Behind Act, & am receiving of the well-known next step, I construct a few cherished friendships that I cannot imagine not having. That circle goes 'round & 'round.

Starting over with a new state, in particular, is my greatest. I thoroughly enjoy bouncing around the United States like a ping pong ball. Now, obviously not all aspects are enjoyable, but the ups do outweigh the downs for me. There are numerous measures of this world that have a distinctive attractiveness that just cannot be seen in one state, that cannot be completed in a one-week getaway vacation, & that cannot be fully experienced unless residing in its habitat. I mean, Psalm 34:8 says to taste & see that the Lord is good, & his goodness includes many topography's.

I do & will always wish that I can bring fragments of my old life to my new one. I realize I miss aspects of life that I never gave any recognition to before leaving it behind. Air condition, a bathroom as an extension room to the master bedroom, the latch to hold the gas pumps so one doesn't have to hold the nozzle, Aldi snack prices for Clay's love of donuts & pub mix, Walmart's $2.00 nail polish, etc. Right now, I appreciate the exquisite Hawaiian culture that I never once would have known, had it not been for this duty station. I now cannot imagine life without the little joys of walking to our Kailua locally grown farmers market Sunday mornings after church, the taste of locally grown Hawaiian avocados/homemade smoked Kalua pulled pork/fresh juiced fruits & vegetables at Lanikai Juice, the thrill of bike riding/walking on the bike path that outlines the beach, incredible hiking places with outrageous terrain, or our post-work bike rides together to the beach to boogie board just before sunset.

Although it seems merely impossible to envision a life that has not been laid out before me yet, I always know we are precisely where God intended us to be, & we will always be headed wherever He has his "X" marked on his world map for us. A phrase I saw years ago on a magnet that my Pappy & Grammy Weigle had displayed on the corner of their refrigerator facing their computer where I played pinball says this: God said it, I believe it, that settles it.

God said & had written down in his agenda book that I would start over many times in my life. That I would feel every smudge of ache that came along with it, & every ounce of joy in its adventure. I believe his thoughts & plans will always be higher than mine, so if He says it, I choose to believe whatever He says without doubt, & that settles everything with no further discussion. Really though, we as human beings were not designed by God to live a comfortable life, in a certain sense. God brings me fully out of particular comfort levels to test & see that He is good. Without His challenging personality & my willingness to "just do the dang thing", I would have missed out on continuing to shape lifelong memories. For one, I am now the fall tennis couch for the youth sports program here & just love the kids, & cannot imagine my island life here without having this opportunity to coach them & see them develop vital skills with my support.

A well-known verse in Jeremiah 29:11 says that God specifically says, "I know the plans I have for you." His word is true, His will for me is certain, & I cannot imagine not being in the midst of it all.