Sand First, Prime Next, Then Repaint

{{My parents got divorced in 2006. My two sisters & I coped with our experiences somewhat the same, but mostly different. For me, I threw every part of it "under the rug" & a part of me slowly became bitter. }}

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{2013}

When refurbishing a piece of furniture, my method (before doing one with Clay) was to just paint over the unpleasant color & pretend there wasn’t a stripping process of "sand first, prime next, then repaint." I mean, will someone really notice from afar?

This technique of mine ended when Clay & I did our first renovation project together. When I asked why we don’t just paint over the wood, Clay said that it would look thick, sloppy, and untidy. He said that when we put in diligence now, we will not have to do it again later. OK but still, I really did not see the point in this extensive process, all for the result of a different colored dresser. Why did we have to strip the wood down to its bare bones? Why did it take so long to complete each and every step? Why does it have to be so messy?

But the real question is, why was my solution to just cover it up & pretend it didn’t need more attention than it actually did? I did this for almost everything, revamping or not. This solution, best described as "rug shoving," had become a talent of mine.

However, I noticed that God was trying to show me something deeper than just a precise paint job. He wanted me to see what it looked like to cover my hurt, past experiences, and unwanted emotions with just “another layer of paint.” Thick, sloppy, and untidy.

This rug shove method was more convenient for me than to express myself to someone & work through the disorder of the divorce & every challenge that stemmed from it. It allowed me to be in control of something for once. So I planned, that once I put whatever it was under the rug, it was there to stay forever. I mean, I cultivated a pretty big rug if you ask me; I had a substantial amount that fit under there & figured that since it became too heavy to move, why ever bother now, right?

Well, God said wrong to that “right” reasoning.

What made me actually want to work through it though? God didn’t just grace me with “the want” or “the drive” naturally for this, like some things He does for me. As far as I was concerned, I was content because I was in control. I was making it work for years... until I realized it was affecting an extremely important part of my life: my relationship (yes, with Clay), but I didn't know why it was.

And so, I had a choice: to give up my relationship in order to stay in my comfortable & controlled mindset, or to strip.

So, I began to strip. I brought to surface all the feels & everything that came with that vulnerability. I went back to its bare bones & let God help me sand, prime, and repaint myself. It was a messy project. It required more effort than I knew how to give at times. It required me to ask God what it was that needed brought to light because I could not figure it out on my own. Ouch, here it was. It was something I said I already did... (but really didn't): forgive.

Ephesians 4:31-32 says to get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as God forgave me.

Saying & doing are two entirely different concepts.

I understood the repercussions of rug-shoving only because it started to manifest itself by slowly seeping out from under my rug and into my personal life.

In this experience of repainting but stripping first, I learned that control, unforgiveness, & bitterness only place more layers of a thick, sloppy, and an untidy look to my life. I learned being in control only made me selfish. It left little, if any, room for God to be God. I thank God He did His tough love on me because I am convinced I would not be married to Clay today otherwise.

No person can reach every crack and crevice like God can. Digging deep is rough. But, I look back & thank God for deliberately putting me in the most uncomfortable place of sanding & priming my life, because I was then able to be repainted with a fresh coat of freedom.